In the Pants

It's kind of a funny word if you say it enough times. "Pants" "PAnts" "paNTS". Go ahead. I'll wait.

For the most part I hate pants. Especially when those pretentious people add "in the pants" after everything (although if you try it, I am sorry to say that it's a pretty fun game). Admittedly, pajama pants are always lovely, and there are a few notable exceptions, but as a whole I am rather racist against the majority of pantsdom. They constrict my legs and are just plain less pretty than skirts and dresses. I am all for feminism and grrrl power and whatnot, but pants always expect special treatment, you know? They're all "Oh, I have two leg holes and a side pocket, look at me, I'm Mr. Fancypants!". If they could talk I am almost positive that is what they would say.

See, pants feel entitled. They think they're better than me. THAT IS WHAT THEY THINK.

I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE. SEE ME? I'M OUTRAGED. OK, SO YOU CAN'T SEE ME THROUGH THE MONITOR. BUT BELIEVE ME, I AM OUTRAGED. I WOULD POST A PICTURE OF THE OUTRAGE IF NOT FOR THE FEAR OF BEING MURDERED IN MY SLEEP BY AN INTERNET STALKER (no offense to all the non-murdering internet stalkers. Far be it for me to fan the flames of stereotyping). THE WHOLE COUNTRY OF STEFMANISTAN IS UP IN ARMS.

Funny story... I won an Amish Village in a game of UNO and decreed it to be named Stefmanistan. Also, there is now Casual Friday there.

I hold you as my witness, Percentage-of-Internet-That-Won't-Murder-Me. I hereby WAGE A WAR ON PANTS. THE PANTS OF THE WORLD ARE GOING DOWN. DOWN TO THE GROUND.

You knew that video was coming.

Not just ANY pants can be fancy pants. Oh no no no no no. You've got to earn that, darn it.

Par exemple.

Speaking of fancy pants, try out one of my favorite flash games. It is so addicting. I apologize in advance for subjecting you to its awesomeness.

http://www.addictinggames.com/fancypantsadventure2.html <--go here

I think that that's all I have to say about my deep hatred of pants. That I hate. So very much. With the white hot fiery passionate intensity of a thousand suns.

Pure low rising evil.

Toodles from Stefmanistan! Wish you were here! All of the internet. Yes. I'll get a very big party bus.

Or a party carriage! Aww. Look how happy the Stefmanistonians are. They work hard and they play hard.

~Steffi~

I Will Marry All of the Cupcakes

I think I want to marry cupcakes. As in, the collective idea of every cupcake in the entire world. Yes, Internet, even the tapioka kind. It will be a vast, polygamous union and, much like a black widow spider, I will continuously devour my husbands. That is a sacrifice I am willing to make, however.

There's my man. Wait--who's that little hussy?!

As you might have guessed, I am kind of majorly in love with cupcakes. If they were not inanimate blobs of sugar and ganache, I am sure that they would reciprocate the ardor that I feel in my heart, stomach, and for some reason spleen. Which is odd, because I don't even know where my spleen is.

Oh. Okey dokey, then.

Cupcakes, if you haven't heard, are very much in vogue at the moment. Unfortunatey for me, I'm not the best cook. Cereal is my specialty.

"Add one and a half cups of milk and mix well with spoon. Now you have to pretend to be a stern yet benevolent giant who demands a fruit tribute from the itty bitty villagers..." Sigh. Trix just hasn't been the same since they changed the shape to those stupid spherical things. Who eats balls of cereal? WHO?

ANYway, I decided that maybe you could benefit from this wonderful cooking blog I recently became familiar with. This woman is a genius. Plus, even if you're like me and don't cook so good--PRETTY PICTURES OF DESSERTS. Don't pretend that you don't love that.

http://www.joythebaker.com/ <-- go here!

THESE RECIPES ARE ALL THERE. TELL YOUR FRIENDS. THEN THROW CUPCAKES AT THEM. (AIM BETWEEN THE EYES)

I'm so, so sorry, but I could not live with myself if I didn't include this in a cupcake-themed post... forgive me...

You cannot unhear this.

~Steffi~

Zipadeedoodah

Today I went to a funeral. I cried a lot and now my eyes are all puffy. Suffice it to say, this was not a great day. There is no bluebird on my shoulder and nothing is satisfactual at all. On days like this, when I’m all despondent and sniffly, I get out my secret weapon: Winnie. He’s my Winnie the Pooh teddy bear, although when I was little I could not fathom why anyone would possibly name anything “The Pooh”. So Winnie it is.

Winnie The Pooh is one of my favorite Disney movies. I just plain love Disney, but not that gross new Hannah Montanna Banana Fanna Fo Fanna kind of Disney—I’m talking about the classics. I was very happy with the new animated movie, The Princess and the Frog. I think I liked it just as much as Aladdin or The Little Mermaid or whatever.

The Princess and the Frog had sort of a weak romance, but very nice songs, adorable characters, and gorgeous art. The one who played the lead girl, Tianna, was apparently somebody in Dreamgirls. The only thing that got in the way of the movie’s awesomeness would have to be the fact that for the majority of the film, both male and female leads were amphibians.

It was really an animal love story. But since both animals were humans trapped in animal bodies... does that somehow make it a bestiality thing? Am I right, Internet? Think about that. No matter what he becomes, you have just made out with a frog.

Just sayin’.

Speaking of which, they made such a big deal about the first black Disney princess. And she was black... for like fifteen minutes or so before she turned into a frog. Nice.

I like to rag on Disney, but to be honest, I think if I could live anywhere it would have to be Disneyworld. That place is amazing.

My favorite thing to do in Disneyworld is the Tower of Terror ride. There’s even a video that they show right before the ride starts that has The Twilight Zone’s opening theme.

Watch these or I will go all The Ring on you.

I always have this urge to regress and act like a little kid when I go there.

What? The Bippidy Boppidy Boutique looks fun.

For the time being I will have to content myself with wearing the ears and/or a tiara. And maybe buying a couple of wands.

Light-up wands. Naturally.

My problem is that I get very naïve and start to think that the sweaty big-headed costume people at the parks are really the embodiments of my favorite cartoon characters and so I get, like, five hugs from them until they are probably contemplating a call to security to remove the special needs woman from the premises. “C’mon, lady. Let the Make A Wish kids have a turn-” “In a minute, in a minute!”

Maybe it will make me feel better by talking about why it is so difficult for me to pick a favorite animated Disney movie--they all have something wrong with them that prevents them from being perfect. I already told you about Princess and the Frog. Now, as I do with most everything I love, I will make fun of Disney.

A LIST OF MY DISNEY MOVIE REPETOIR (with commentary)

*Winnie the Pooh:

A very, very cute movie, but slightly depressing when you factor in the whole Toy Story 2 scenario where Christopher Robin will grow up and leave his old buddies behind .

"Narrator: And so we come to the last chapter, in which Pooh and Christopher Robin go to the enchanted part of the forest, and we say goodbye.

Winnie the Pooh: Goodbye? Oh, no please. Can't we just go back to page one and start all over again?

Narrator: Sorry, Pooh, but all stories have an ending, you know.

Winnie the Pooh: Oh, bother." --Did you hear that, kids? Eventually you have to say goodbye to your childhood, get old, and die! Yay!

*Lady and the Tramp:

Not a lot really happens for such a long movie. Adorable, nonetheless. One day I will buy a cocker spaniel and name her "Lady". I totally will.

*The Little Mermaid:

A teenager essentially gives up her family, life, and metaphorical soul (her deal w/ the devil aka Ursula) for a man who still initially doesn’t want much to do with her. But that’s okay! Even if he begrudgingly chooses her over a hotter, evil sea witch! And only when said witch almost eats him. Or something like that (I haven’t seen it in a while).

*The Lion King:

They killed Mufasa. I will never forgive you, Disney. NEVER. I like to rewind the tape and pretend that he gets back up.

*The Hunchback of Notre Dame:

So you find out that no matter how beautiful you are on the inside, the pretty girl will always, ALWAYS choose the hot guy with the abbs and the goatee. Speaking of which, goats kind of frighten me, so strike two right there.

or

You're welcome for the nightmares.

*Aladdin:

A guy bases his relationship with a woman on lies and she decides to love him anyway because he has that whole lovably impish rascal thing going on. Or maybe she just digs vests. Who am I to say? But can we please TALK about Genie’s hair? Rat. Tail.

*Snow White:

This chick straight up gives me a migraine. What is there even to say about this movie? Stupid broad eats creepy lady’s apple and enters coma, causing many short people to be upset and stop singing jaunty tunes. She waits in a state of near death for a man to save her through sexual harassment. The only upside was when they went all gangta on the queen and pushed her off a cliff. A bit gruesome for a kid’s movie, but I guess it’s still better than the original Grimms' Fairy Tale ending of Cinderella where the happy singing birds peck out the stepsisters’ eyes...

...which brings us to...

*Cinderella:

The parts with Cinderella in it were entertaining and magical and all, but whenever they went to the bits with the king, prince, mice, etc., I started to fall asleep. It has the most underrated songs, though. They are all wonderful and nobody even remembers them except for maybe Bippidy Boppidy Boo, the song you can only hum because the words are so incomprehensible that it is humanly impossible to sing it. It's true. There have been studies.

*Beauty and the Beast:

How can anybody consider this a love story? The guy is a man inside, paws or no paws. He basically keeps Belle as an almost-but-not-quite slave, verbally abuses her, refuses to feed her and all this after kidnapping and close to killing her dear old daddy... and then she realizes that it’s okay because he doesn’t mean to be a controlling jerk and is actually a really nice guy! He does get a little free with his claws when you give him too much catnip, however.

*Alice in Wonderland:

Cute and whimsical, the only thing that bugs me is Alice’s voice. Whine whine whine. She's not a great singer, either. It’s the same one as Wendy in Peter Pan (which I won’t even list because I really don’t like any of the characters or their voices or the art and besides which is boring as well as racist--“What makes the red man red”? Really, guys?).

Disney actually used the same actors a lot. Alice’s chesure cat was Winnie the Pooh (and Amos Mouse in that cute movie, Ben and Me) while the white rabbit was Piglet.

Honorable Mentions: Some great animated non-Disney movies from my childhood include Anastasia (I know! It was actually Warner Bros), The Swan Princess, The Corpse Bride (a tad macabre but technically animated and anything by Tim Burton can’t be bad), various Madeline movies, Peter Rabbit, the Scooby Doo and Alvin and the Chipmonks movies (especially the Halloween ones), Angelina Ballerina, The Scary Godmother, Cats Don’t Dance, any Muppets movie ever (while they were technically bought by Disney, I don't really consider them to be Disney), Olive the Other Reindeer (mod, nouveau art with voice by Drew Barrimore), An American Tail.

I still feel sad. Making fun of Disney didn't really help, and now their secret agents will come in the night and slit my throat. Disney (and Oprah) frequently do that sort of thing, one would imagine.

If I don't get murdered by a sequined assassin of Disney, I wonder if I could rent a wing of the Cinderella castle until the housing market improves. Then I can buy the whole thing. But when I do live at Disneyland, Internet, I will be sure to invite you over for tea. We could drink it in the spinning teacups (athough there might be some scaldings). Maybe, if the mood strikes us, we can have the Snow White actresses battle to the death with pointy magic wand switchblades. They probably have them at the gift shops (they have everything at the gift shops, including sparkly novelty Polio vaccinations). The winner gets Fast Passes to the Rockin’ Roller Coaster.

C'mon, now. You know it's worth a little bloodshed.

~Steffi~

Wanderlust

When I'm just sitting at home, bored to the point that I have begun tracing the shadows on the walls, I really want to go somewhere. ANYWHERE. And then when I do, it's like, "Meh".

Like now, for instance. I am in New York. New. YORK. Am I ice skating at Rockefeller Center? Shopping in some darling boutique? No. I'm watching curling on TV. Curling. I am not even kidding you.

This is an actual thing that occurs.

I know, Internet. That's what I said, too.

Sometimes I just wish there was someplace to go in my own backyard. Like, let's say I was just walking around in the woods, minding my own business and trying not to get slashed by a rampaging chain saw murderer (which frequently happens in woods or camps or amusement parks or grocery stores--shut up, I am not that paranoid, I swear it happens). So I'm hypothetically walking through a hypothetical woodsy area and I hypothetically come across a hypothetical rabbit hole and hypothetically fall in (which makes sense because of my incredibly non-hypothetical klutziosity) and hypothetically meet a rabbit with a pocket watch and Johnny Depp and some talking flowers and Johnny Depp.

Did I mention Johnny Depp?

C'mon, you just KNOW that crazy shenanigans would ensue. I would ensue the heck out of those shenanigans.

I love Alice in Wonderland, so obviously I am looking forward to the new movie. It comes out around the time of my birthday, too, so I'm all psyched that I can use it as a theme for my party. I've been thinking a lot about it and procrastinating real work looking up awesome party ideas. Here I will teach you how to throw the best Un-Birthday or Un-Un-Birthday (if it really is your birthday) parties ever. Okay? Cool. I knew you'd be excited, Internet. You just GET me like that.

We're like THIS.

So the first thing I would recommend doing would be to read the actual book. Why? It's an amazing read for any age. Alice in Wonderland works as a great bedtime story for little kids, with whimsical pictures and numerous opportunities for funny voices. But adults will find humor in the most unlikely places, as well as a sophisticated allegory for the society of the day. Plus, if you know the back story of how Lewis Carroll was actually sort of a pedo for this real little girl named Alice (on whom he based the story and who he wrote it for) it makes the whole thing much edgier than the occasional toast-and-butter-fly, although there is an opium-smoking caterpillar. At least see the Disney movie, though. It is trés adorable.

http://www.authorama.com/alice-in-wonderland-1.html <-- Here's the whole book online

And here's the movie--->

As for the party, I'm just gonna try to re-create some of these breathtaking examples:

**********

TIPS:

*The trick is to not just have a croquet/ tea party, but to really make a wonderland. As everybody knows, however, enough twinkle lights will solve most any decorating problem.

*I absolutely adore daisies, so I would recommend using them as well as tulips and marigolds, all in vibrant and varying colors, of course.

*Make sure your music is light and airy with a sort of enchanting feel to it. Try Lenka, A Fine Frenzy, Priscilla Ahn, Jason Mraz, Sara Bareilles, Lily Frost, the Cardigans, or maybe the Beatles (their pychedelic stuff, not the teeny bopper fifties rag).

*Jewel tones are very nice, especially in your choice of balloons. And there MUST be balloons, preferably both regular helium-filled latex ones as well as balloon animals. Maybe you could hire somebody to make balloon hats?

"My intricate inflatable head adornments bring all the boys to the yard..."

**********

Alice in Wonderland has also swooped down onto the fashion scene. I can't go into a single store without some kind of Alice themed merchandise glaring up at me with the sad "buy me"

eyes. That's good, though, because the elements of the book are just so marketable. Check it out:

*http://www.claires.com/aliceinfashion-accessories-jewelry.asp

*http://search.hottopic.com/clothing/Alice%20In%20Wonderland

*http://www.seventeen.com/fashion/special/style-blog/alice-in-wonderland-at-bloomingdales

*http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/shop?query=alice+in+wonderland

I know, right? Teeny tiny hats, teapots and playing cards, pocket watches, even a ruff! Did you hear that, Internet? A. RUFF.

**********

Well, that's all I have to say about Alice for the moment. I'll let you know how that party goes. Coming soon: How to make Alice in Wonderland party favors and invitations. Now I gotta go. I'm afraid that "I'm late for a very important date. No time to say hello--goodbye! I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!". Shut up. I'm witty.

~Steffi~

New Beginnings

"New Beginnings"? That is a lame title for my First Post Ever. I apologize for my lame-ness. Hopefully in time you will come to find it quaint, like mahogany birdhouses and camomile tea.

Yes, just like Peter Rabbit drank.

I've got to tell you, Internet, this has been some day. We had to take a train up to New York for a funeral, and it seemed like the universe had it in for me. Missed bus. Water bottle leaked in bag. Lost hat (and I loved that friggin' thing). Missed another bus. Waited for next one IN THE SNOW. Almost got devoured by army of Abominable Snowmen riding wolves (I swear that was not "just the plow, now stop hyper-ventilating"). On the whole, quite an ordeal.

Can you see the bloodlust in his eyes?

I decided to start this blog because I do new and exciting things every day. Aaand if you know me, you know that I am prone to forgetfulness. And falling. A lot (not the most coordinated person, either). That's why I want to keep track of it all and make it so I won't forget the good stuff. That way, I can read these posts and be all, "Oh yeah! The pudding cannon! Good times...". What? It's still in the planning stages, but I assure you, it will take the world by storm. Just like me. You see, dear Internet, I've got big plans.

Not exactly like that...

For one, I plan on being extremely famous. The thing about fame that people don't seem to realize, though, is that nobody needs to know you to achieve it. Fame is a state of mind. Even if not one single person reads this blog (that word always, ALWAYS makes me giggle)... I will. I will read it. I'll remember things about myself that would have been lost forever in that bottomless chasm of my head. So there's one hit right there. That's famous enough for me. I'll get there one day. I have to believe that. Who knows? Maybe sooner than I think.

~Steffi~