Virtual Slumber Party: Yes, This is Occurring

Okay, this is how it's gonna work: we are gonna have a supah fun and fantabulous virtual slumber party. It'll be just you and me, Entirety of the World's Internet. An intimate affair to say the least. You are right now on the virtual doormat outside of my virtual house. Virtual dusk is swiftly approaching, the smell of virtual freshly cut virtual grass has sweetened the virtual breeze and, on a nearby curb, a sad clown is softly weeping.

Pumpernickel dropped her ice cream, y'see.

Now, after buying the clown another cone and sending her on her relatively merry way because Sad Clowns can never really be happy (do not pity them, it is their lot in life and Pumpernickel is vice president of her support group), you approach my door. It is a nice door. A pretty door. You stroke it and gently whisper sweet nothings into it's varnish. "STOP FONDLING MY DOOR, YA HARPY!" you hear from inside and then I open it and we laugh to hide the evident uncomfortableness.

If only Pumpernickel were here.

So c'mon in! Welcome, welcome. I am going to walk you through this amazing slumber partytacular sleepover extravaganza of spectacular awesomeness. Everything we need will be here but in virtualness. Follow me, Internet, old friend. Just leave your cares (and any candy you might have on you) at the door. Also, do everything I say without question and give me fifty bucks for... pizza. Yes... pizza...

One day I hope to save enough for Madonna's cone bra. I shall hang it above my mantel.

I say we start this slumber partytacular of etc. with a game of TRUTH or DARE. Okay, so I choose... truth. Ok. Go ahead. Ask me ANYTHING. Don't be afraid. Huh. Still not saying anything. WELL IF YOU'RE GONNA BE THAT WAY, I GUESS WE'LL HAVE TO GIVE YOU A DARE. I octuple dog dare you (the bane of all dares, second only to Thor's Dare which involves a hammer, a pound of saurkraut, a wheelbarrow and a complex process that I am just not going to get into right now) to:

1)Rent and don a gorilla costume

2)Painstakingly construct a sparkly fairy tutu (WHILE WEARING THE GORILLA COSTUME) that follows the exacting specifications of the Official Tutu Council of America

3)Once you have discovered (after painfully exhaustive research) that such an organization does not exist, go ahead and found the Official Tutu Council of America OR consult Ms. Julie of wowzzy.com because she is known to be tutu scholar and is currently the holder of a doctorate in Glitter Philosophy with an undergraduate in Pretty Pretty Princess Studies.

4)Wearing your gorilla costume and tutu, apply for Canadian citizenship

5)Having obtained citizenship of Canada, still wearing your ensemble, get me some pancakes with syrup on the side so it doesn't get all soggy

6)Give me my pancakes

7)Watch me eat my pancakes

8)Maybe I'll give you some if you're good

We take our dares very seriously around here. What? What's that? You finally figured out a Truth to ask me? Well, then, I guess I won't have to make you do all that. For now. Ok, yeah, so the answer is yes but ONLY ONCE in a pool filled with strawberry pudding. Yeah, I know. That really IS the only way to school a bruthah in the ancient art of yodel kung fu.

Leiderhosen should only be used in defence.

Now that that's all sorted out... IT'S BREAKDANCING TIME! I have the best segues.

http://www.onemotion.com/flash/breakdance/

*Hint: get rid of the gravity and have the guy flail wildly around. That's how I win ALL my throw down dance battles.

As evidenced by this guy pretending to be Kevin Bacon.

And speaking of priceless '80s cinematic gems, let's get the poppin' corn ready (and also a watermelon for) DIRTY DANCING!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5YSFO0PwRA&feature=fvw -->Go here, watch all the parts and commence squeals of abject joy.

We love and miss The Swayze.

Since that took so long we'll have to condense all the rest of the iconic sleepover movies we planned to watch into 30 second shorts not minimally involving bunnies.

http://www.angryalien.com/

Bunnies have saved the day once again.

Now just a little ice cream before we go to bed (and we won't even brush our teeth because WE'RE JUST THAT FRIGGIN WILD). Go ahead, take a lick!

Mine is computer monitor flavored.

Oh, yeah, and also SPONTANEOUS SCANTILY CLAD PILLOW FIGHT.

This is what boys think girls do whenever they're not in the room.

So I guess now we can pass out happy, plaque-y, and bopping to the harmonic tempo of the gang violence going on in the alley behind my house. Don't worry, nobody really gets hurt. Pumpernickel keeps them in line.

Besides, they're only snappers.

All in all I think we can agree that we had the time of our life tonight. I'm sorry but that cliché was necessary. Aaaand CUE BIG FINALE JUMP.

~Steffi

To Do List

Okay, so there are a lot of things I want to do with my life. Take over the world with my bloodthirsty band of cyborg minions? Check. But that one's for another day.

Realistically, I have some other stuff I feel the need to accomplish. She writes as she sits on the couch eating chips, still wearing her pajamas and watching the What Not To Wear marathon (and probably getting bedsores from not moving for hours). Mine is a charmed life.

MY TO DO LIST

#1. Be a work of art. Hey, if I can't MAKE it, why can't I BE it? And it's possible! The pictures below are actually real people that were painted on to look two dimensional. All I need to do is kidnap artist Alexa Meade. I... mean... hire... her. Yes... hire...

She can sleep in a bathtub cage (a bathtub with a giant birdcage welded over the top... patent pending). Everybody wins!

#2. Learn to figure skate.

See? No sweat.

Well, okay, the last time I went ice skating I got so many bruises that people thought a big bald guy named Tiny had attacked me with a baseball bat.

They're always named "Tiny".

But it would be so FUN. I mean, like, SO AMAZINGLY FUN. Don't believe me, eh, Internet? That's why I have evidence (I didn't watch Legally Blond thirty-three times to be bested at lawyeringlyness by the likes of you).

EVIDENCE THAT FIGURE SKATING WOULD BE AMAZINGLY FUN:

"Wheee"! + nice lighting scheme = SO MUCH FUN. Thank you, Your Honor... and for my NEXT witness I call a pre nose job Jennifer Grey to the stand...

*

Figure skating would be exactly, EXACTLY like Dirty Dancing. Now, where's Zombie Swayze? And I will require a watermelon, Mr. Bailiff.

*

It looks so effortless. I could totally do that. Maybe.

*

Go ahead, Internet. I dare you to tell me that this did not spring to your mind when I brought up the subject. And you know what they had besides crazy shenanigans? SO MUCH FUN.

Plus the costumes are always so glamorous and cute!

With some exceptions.

I rest my case.

#3. Live in a castle.

Although this one is preferred, a hotel could work, too...

A hotel like the four star Clontarf Castle Hotel in Dublin, Ireland, for instance.

Ain't it pretty?

*

This whole princess complex stems from my never getting a canopy bed as a little girl. I never even got a pony (I was quite a deprived child).

And speaking of canopy beds...

#4. Get a fancy shmancy canopy bed (curtain optional but preferred).

#5. Do the Mentos-Diet-Coke-explosion thing. When I do, I've got to get me one of these.

The geyster tube controls it so you won't get all drenched. And now, gratuitous shots of soda explosions!

Awww yeah. That's how we do it, son.

Buy it here --> http://www.firebox.com/product/1797/Steve-Spanglers-Geyser-Tube?currency_conversion=1&aff=512&awc=550_1270268422_336c9dc67ea5da11f19be8ac84e61a39

#6. Buy (or rent) my very own moon bounce.

A Titanic moonbounce!... Too soon?

*

A-nom-nom-nom-nom.

*

PRINCESS COMPLEX. I think I just found the solution to #3.

#7. Win the Miss World pageant! What? What is wrong with that? I'm beautiful. My Mommy told me so. Even though I have exactly zero pageant experience besides watching (and being mildly disgusted by) Toddlers in Tiaras on the TLC channel... I think I could really pull it off with, like, some duct tape or whatever.

A lot...

...of...

...duct...

...tape.

So! Getting off the subject of my apparent horrible ugliness... the final thing I can think of (actually I can think of way more but this stupid thing has taken a lot of time)... is...

#8. GET ONE OF THESE ADORABLE LITTLE MONKEYS!

It is a necessary expense--maybe even a tax deduction. I will train my monkey to be a wise-cracking crime-fighting sidekick that will help me make the streets of Stefmanistan a safe place for Amish everywhere. That is, until he betrays me and forces me to wreak my revenge on all of mankind (except the Amish. They work so darn hard on those barns, I would feel kinda mean burning them down). And then the world domination plan comes into play, see?

It's times like these that I very greatly wish I had an evil mustache to twiddle.

~Steffi~